One can publish a 50 page essay on the Nigerian movie industry or Nollywood as it is called. Maybe that is the first problem, the name I mean. There’s just something so weird about it, although now that I think about it, it’s way better than ‘Ghollywood’ but that’s a story for another day. In my usual fashion I’m going to list the few I can think of. Grab a cup of tea, this is going to be a long one.

Jim Iyke

Have you ever known someone, like you’ve actually not met the person but you just know that the person is going to be very annoying? I know two people like that, Zac Efron and Jim Iyke. Jim!!!!!!!! His acting, if you can call it that, is so annoying with that accent he’s always trying to form. Every time he plays the only child of a rich commissioner who schooled abroad, I feel like reaching into the screen and slapping that smug grin off his face and yanking that stupid earring off his earlobe. I know it’s petty but there’s just something very annoying about this uncle. Which leads me to my second point…

The accent

What is it with Nigerians and trying to have an accent? Now don’t get me wrong, there is a difference between having an accent and a good diction. For example, Adesua Etomi has a good diction while Osas Ighodaro has an American accent and that’s because she was based abroad for a really long time before she came to Nigeria to star in Tinsel (I would leave good movies that you can check out for every actor or actress that I mention). The thing is some of these actors don’t have good diction and it tells when they need to have an accent probably because the story line says that the person in question has been overseas for a while. That’s when you hear things like ‘Bring me a glass of wa-er, ‘Haweyu’ and the likes.

The storyline

I swear some scriptwriters make up the story as they go along. Some of them probably previously wrote all these mama and papa plays as their school projects and because their teacher nodded in approval they now believed they have earned the right to write scripts. Some Nollywood movies don’t have head or tail and that shows especially in those movies that would go on for two hours and won’t even have a proper end which is why after the movie ‘ends’ you see things like ‘And Mary killed John and went to prison, ‘Festus and Agatha got married and had five children.’

Costume

This one dey. Sade will say she wants to go and buy pepper from mama Okonkwo’s shop down the road but if you see her face ehn, beat to perfection, eyebrows laid by the gods, highlight and contour looking like it was done by Banksbmpro. What about the university student with that her gown that is so short that if she raises her hands to answer a question, we will be able to see the red sea that Moses parted with the help of God. They will now wear pumps that they can’t walk in and clutch bags that can only accommodate phones because taking notes in class is too mainstream I guess. I am a university student and I can tell you with a level of confidence that no one dresses like that in real life.

Scripts

This one doesn’t even exist in some movies I swear. I think the director just tells them to come on set and dance around because some things these actors say leave you with a lot of questions. Like you are just there thinking, ‘no one talks like this in real life’. It’s even worse when the people in the movie are supposed to be in a relationship, you are just there thinking ‘first of all there’s no chemistry between you guys, secondly no one in a relationship talks like this‘. Epp us dear person that writes these scripts.

Lack of originality

Same story line everyday. The prince or governor’s son or commissioner’s son is in love with the poor girl that passed by his car last week. Ini Edo can’t get pregnant and Patience Ozorkwor is her mother-in-law and is giving her a tough time. Rita Dominic is engaged to Jim Iyke but he’s an asshole and she has met Desmond Elliot and he treats her better but Desmond is poor so her father doesn’t approve. Patience Ozokwor is doing charm for her husband to make him love her alone. Same shit, different movie title.

Special effects

Lmao this one has already got me laughing. People defying gravity, blood that looks like zobo, guns that sound like banger, people being shot on the head but bleeding from their legs, the list is endless.

Improper casting

Look you can’t keep deceiving us. Ini Edo can’t keep playing a 20 year old girl, Desmond Elliot cannot keep playing the only child of a poor gardener who just finished university and is in need of a job. He looks 45 foggosake!!!! you need a 16 year old, get a 16 year old. Don’t give mercy Johnson big clothes to make her look smaller, she looks horrendous.

Poor acting

This one doesn’t even need long story. It’s when I saw Laura Ikeji in a movie that I knew it was time to speak about this.

Soundtrack

Ello Aunty Chinemerem, we can see that the boy and the girl are in love and the king is a wicked man and the woman is barren and wants a child and the man is paralyzed. YOU DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. *Drops mic*

So that’s my list for today. Trust me I had a lot more. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many good movies out there that you can check out. Like every movie Kunle Afolayan has ever directed. You can also check out Flower girl, Fifty, Gbomo Gbomo Express, Head Gone, and most movies done by Royal Arts Academy and Uche Jumbo studios.

If you have any point to add please leave a comment in the comment bar and don’t forget to subscribe. Chop kiss.

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