My mum is pissed as hell, she probably thinks I’m the spawn of the devil. Not like I blame her though. She’s not the only who thinks that about me. It’s because I have refused to be blinded by this pastor. The fire-breathing, ocean-dividing, mountain-removing Apostle Reverend Paul Sign-Wonder. I mean, what kind of a theatrical name is that?

Funny thing is, everything this man does is theatrical. He walks too slow, as if the power of the holy ghost has somehow elevated his shoulders and broadened his chest. He walks as though if he walks any faster, the spirit of the living God he claims to possess will suddenly get annoyed and leave him. He waves like the queen of England when he walks into the church and you can trust the members to fall under the anointing.

The members of the church seem to fuel his theatrics. They literally worship the ground he walks on. When he passes, the men fall on their knees and wipe his shoes with their feet and the women wipe his feet with their hair like the woman with the alabaster box in the bible did with Jesus. I have told my mother time and time again that I wont let that man touch me with a ten feett pole and this has led her to believe that an evil spirit has taken over me and come hell or high water I shall be touched by the prophet.

How can I watch this man use God’s name to play tinko tinko?, I ask myself as I watch my mother jump and roll on the ground when this pastor as much as breathes into the microphone. I’m tempted to tell her that everything is a charade. a game. I don’t see her believing me though. I mean, how do I explain to her that half of the people ‘getting healed’ are members of the local drama ground in our town? Trust me the irony isn’t lost on me. How do I also tell her he’s sleeping with almost half of the single ‘daughters of Zion’ and the assistant pastor is gay and trying to sleep with the HOD of the choir department who is in turn sleeping with his assistant?  Lets not forget sister Clara who always complains about how red my lipstick is and that I shouldn’t forget that the fire in hell is color red like my lipstick meanwhile the last time I sneaked out of the house to go the the club with my friends, there she was working that strippers’ pole like a pro. I, myself, am not any better as I have been sleeping with the sunday school for months now cos…i mean….have you seen him?


Note: Let him who think he stands take heed lest he fall. Don’t be deceived by false prophets. Also, it’s about the message not the messenger. Let’s avoid worshiping the pastor and instead focus on worshiping God.

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